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Stumbling Naked in the Dark: Overcoming Mistakes Men Make with Women |
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| Author: Bradley Fenton Published: 2003-09-30 |
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List price: $17.95 Our price: $17.95 |
Usually ships in 24 hours As of: December 01st, 2008 12:08:47 PM |
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Customer comments on this selection. Understanding WomenThis is a great little book because it deals with figuring out how women think, what they want and what works with them. It should be required reading for every 14-year-old boy. So much of what society teaches us about women is crap. Bradley Fenton's book summerizes that there is a power struggle going between men and women and men usually lose. His remedy for evening the odds are being indifferent and not needy. It's a tough thing to do if what you really want is sex. What I got the most out of the book is to ask questions to see if the woman you are attracted to is a good match. It's hard to look for a nice woman, find her and then see if she'd be good for you. Sometimes all you want to do is ride the high of hanging with a hot chic. But the reality is unless you like nasty surprises, you gotta see if she qualifies. I recently met an attractive woman after a long dry spell and put off asking questions. I was afraid of what I'd find out. After reading the book one night I decided that there were some things about her I needed to know. Of course, as fate would have it, what I learned disqualified her. Someone once said that regardless of how far you've gone down the wrong road - stop.  Often rambling, sometimes useful, advice for chumpsThis book was offered to me by a friend who said he'd heard it was a more enlightened alternative to the "pick up artist" type books by the likes of TV show host Mystery and journalist-cum-loverman Neil Strauss. The Fenton book isn't as crass as the works in the pickup lit, but it isn't any less focused on their goal either; Fenton tells us repeatedly that the problem is that men aren't getting their "physical needs" met. Nonetheless, a good number of readers (of this book or the others) will probably find that the kind of behavior that helps get them laid also quite often helps them to be good boyfriends: directness, listening, asking questions, giving specific and less-sexual compliments, not obsessing about what your date is doing, keeping the mood playful rather than heavy, etc. When it comes to giving advice, this book is most successful when it goes into specifics and examples, and least so when it falls into rambling self-promoting prose about the female way of thinking, a fault that Mystery's book shares. Though the volume is a thin one at 127 pages, it only contains about 7 concrete pieces of advice, and that can be summarized here in a couple hundred words. For readers who've seen such advice before, this book is best given a skip. Here goes: 1. Practice "healthy indifference" towards a woman rather than "unhealthy indifference." For example, never act bothered if a woman seems uninterested, or shows resistance to physical escalation on a date. On the other hand, don't be so indifferent as to avoid doing what you can to meet her needs, or paying her specific compliments when you notice something nice about her. 2. Always try to allow a woman's level of interest in you to stay ahead of your interest in her. If she seems bored, ask a rhetorical question like: "you're attractive but don't seem interested in meeting new men, right?" 3. Try to tell if the woman is more visual (thinks and speaks in terms of sights), auditory (sounds), or kinesthetic (touch and feel). Do this by listening for her to use verbs like "looks", "sounds," or "feels," respectively, and when speaking yourself, choose language that mirrors hers. In general, mirror her verbal and body language, but with a delay so as not to seem creepy. 4. Start off the date by saying that you think the woman is really great and that you like her, but that it's completely OK for her to say "no" afterwards to continuing on, without any feeling of pressure or awkwardness. 5. In conversation, try to "switch" the conversation back to focus on the woman. She may ask you a question, but really she probably asked you about a specific thing for a reason. Ask her why she asked you. When she is talking and says something, ask her questions about it. 6. Near the end of a date, ask the woman to rate the date on a scale from 1 to 10. If she says anything seven or higher, ask her what would make it a 10. Supposedly, she'll ask you to kiss her or do more. Remember to let the woman ask you for sex, not vice versa. 7. Remember a bunch of important basics: it's not impolite to talk to strangers, no woman is out of your league, women want you to talk with them, they want more than that too, etc. (Actually, there is a whole list of negative thoughts to avoid on pages 109 to 111.) Unfortunately, the thing that is most absent from this book is a review of how to make the initial contact with a potential mate - "opening" as it is called in the pickup lit. This is where many men have the most difficulty, and everything follows from it. It is especially disappointing that opening isn't really covered, because the useful advice in this book ('practice healthy indifference to a woman', 'switch the focus of the conversation back to her') is easier to take when the man has no problem meeting more women. At any rate, this book certainly feels less slimy in your hands than Mystery's book, and does a nice job of highlighting, in the earlier rambling parts, what men so often do wrong. It's not a bad place to start for guys who find women mystifying, and it's probably most useful in conjunction with a book on opening, like Neil Strauss' Rules of the Game. For guys who already have the basics down, but haven't figured out how to meet and date "insanely in-demand women," however, it may take something more like Strauss or Mystery.  Basic, yet insightful (3.75*s)This book is a brief, yet insightful and helpful, look at the psychology of dating from the perspective of men. It is not particularly concerned with specific tips and techniques; the focus is on the attitude and approaches that men must develop towards women to be successful in forming a relationship with a woman, as well as looking for and interpreting a woman's needs and reactions. As the author points out, a single-minded pursuit of physical intimacy accompanied by varying levels of adversarialism, gamesmanship, desperation, and bluster in approaching a woman is more than likely to end in failure. The author advocates a healthy level of indifference on the part of a man that allows, or perhaps slightly pressures, a woman to take the initiative in moving things along. For the author "Never become more enthusiastic than the woman you are with." The author does place responsibility on men to "read" women. Their body language should be matched, as well as their preferred sensory orientation of being oriented toward the visual, kinesthetic, or auditory. Perhaps most important is understanding, through active listening, a woman's ACHING quotient, or her anxieties and loneliness level. He suggests, to defuse the anxieties of deciding whether a relationship can develop, that a man give permission, up front, to a woman to simply say "No" to continuing dating, as opposed to being forced to mislead and/or feel guilty. He proposes that women be given second chances of backing out of first-time physical intimacy, partly to assuage guilt, but also as an approach that can actually enhance a long-term relationship. The author does tend to place much of the burden of successful dating on men. In the first place, men must put aside irrational beliefs or expectations, have a healthy view of their own self-worth, and not be obsessed with seeking approval. But women in his book seem to mostly get a free pass: they are the good guys. Even though women are said to have higher emotional intelligence, they must in a sense be "coddled." As another reviewer has pointed out, the approach suggested by the author could be construed as a form of manipulation. At the least, it does seem a bit quaint (sexist) in 2008. Nonetheless, there are some key insights in the book for human interaction that actually transcend strictly dating. Finally, a book that allows us men to remain men while still pursuing a healthy relationship with women.I read this book over and over again while highlighting and taking notes. In the first chapter I was able to identify with the author, and acknowledge that I was the type of guy to whom he was referring. If you are like me, and suddenly lose all sense of self once you meet a woman that intrigues you on all levels, you NEED this book. Most of the content is very relevant to day to day dating, and acts as a quick reference guide to almost any situation. I bought this three months into dating a girl I really like and it immediately helped me overcome certain insecurities while allowing me to still be myself and give the girl I'm dating the ability to choose me. It's refreshing! Finally I understand how to be the "real" me in any dating situation, and how to feel confident no matter what the outcome may be. I wouldn't recommend this book to men who are looking to just get laid, or who view women as objects. This book is for guys like me, who, believe there is something real out there, and are willing to work hard on themselves and take the necessary time to have "it." More than datingI agree with much in the positive reviews, such as those by The Capitol and Mr. Maslanka. We can all agree that the world of personal relationships offers a vast subject that no one book - or even many - can or will ever cover completely. Furthermore, the tips and tricks change as the culture changes: what's in this book would have been inappropriate in 1900 and may be outdated by 2010 (who knows?) So dating books are a bit like the blind men and the elephant - everyone knows something, no one has the full picture. But this short tome offers an excellent, succinct approach that promotes honest and direct communication with the object(s) of your affections. Each chapter deals with a different dimension of the dating relationship, and offers a clearly defined method for 'managing' it. The approach permits - even encourages - honest self-evaluation, improvement and growth with integrity. That's a lot better than macho methods that retail themselves like dimestore aphrodisiacs. The book could also be read profitably for advice on communication generally - with friends or family or in business. Like other things, it will be an amusing, idle read for those who do not put its lessons into practice. Those who do, however, will be well-positioned to learn interesting, positive things about themselves and how they relate to others. |
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