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So Why Have You Never Been Married?: 10 Insights Into Why He Hasn't Wed |
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| Author: Carl Weisman Published: 2008-04-28 |
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List price: $14.95 Our price: $9.87 |
Usually ships in 24 hours As of: December 01st, 2008 02:56:17 PM |
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Customer comments on this selection. The Answers Are Inside...Although Weisman comically points out at the very beginning of this study that "I am not a doctor, nor do I attempt to play one in this book," he gifts to the curious a clear, careful study of men over the age of 40 who, for a variety of reasons, have never been married. With careful and purposeful research, Weisman explores the question of older, unmarried men from two different standpoints: the man who is wondering what is wrong with him, and the woman who is wondering the same thing. Augmented with census data, solid citations, and a conversation-based investigation, Weisman offers insight on the subject with a careful explanation of his methodology, a broad sampling of men, and a sometimes ribald honesty. So Why Have You Never Been Married? goes far beyond such platitudes as "finding the right one" and clears up misconceptions and myths about the unmarried man. In his subjects' own words, Weisman explores the ideas, beliefs, and values of marriage, touching on subjects such as fear of infidelity and open marriages via conversations that are sometimes amusing, sometimes depressing, and often sexually-charged. So Why Have You Never Been Married? surveys whether the single life is worth it, whether there are any regrets, and what the future may hold for those looking to bypass marriage. A fast read due to its conversational tone, Weisman's insightful work also offers probing questions, a vast, solid sampling, and an ending that provides helpful quotes in the subjects' own words. Allena Tapia Apex Reviews  A look at the eternal bachelorPressure into marriage is common in society, but why would some take their time or even refuse? "So Why Have You Never Been Married? 10 Insights Into Why He Hasn't Wed" is a look at the eternal bachelor, the man who has been married. Talking to many men who have yet to tie to knot, he gets a wide range of answers from those who would simply like to continue playing the field, to those who believe monogamy is a sham, to those who simply haven't found the right one. "So Why Have You Never Been Married?" is a look into the male psyche and will provide many answers to a woman who's wondering just why their desired man has yet to pop the question. A Fascinating View Into the Male Bachelor PsycheWhen I saw this title, I just had to pick up this book. "So Why Have You Never Been Married? 10 Insights Into Why He Hasn't Wed" by Carl Weisman is a truly fascinating look at the varying reasons behind the perennial bachelors we all know. What I found surprising were some of the recurring reasons...and they were NOT what I had always assumed! While the 'playboy' archetype was certainly present, it was not the overwhelming majority that I had assumed. Neither were most of these men anti-marriage or anti-love. Instead they are anti-mistake and anti-divorce and rather than suffer either of these states, they have remained in their bachelor status. If you know an over 40 and never-been-married man and you've hesitated to subject him to your rabid curiosity, you should definitely read this book. If you're a younger woman faced with an unwilling-to-commit significant other, you should read this book. If you are just starting out in the 'dating game', then you'll want to read this book to get an idea of 'their' psyche vs. 'our' psyche. Different for sure, but always fascinating.  not that helpfulBoy, this a tough book to review. I'll preface my remarks with the admission that I've just turned 40, never been married, so I was looking for a book to explain why. Overall, this book was only of marginal help in answering this question. This book was put together as follows: the author set up a website asking unmarried men over 40 to answer a series of questions (reproduced, with results, in the appendix). From this survey he eventually interviewed 33 men whose thoughts formed the basis of this book. He was trying to answer two main questions (1) Why have I never been married? (2) what is wrong with me? Essentially he was on a journey of self discovery. Weisman also wants to de-pathologize the single, older male and to some extent he succeeds at doing that. To his credit, Weisman recognizes two problems with his survey approach. Firstly, he has to contend with self-selection bias where people of a certain profile (white, higher income, more educated, younger men (40-45), with internet access) were much more likely to partake in the survey. Secondly, by only interviewing 33 out of 1533 men he risks not getting a nice cross-section of males over the age of 40. He tries to correct for this second problem by carefully selecting a geographically diverse group of younger and older men, with both higher and lower incomes and with greater and lesser amounts of education. As I read this book I notice the author is a very uncritical interviewer. Almost everything the interviewees say is unchallenged and, in the author's opinion, has merit. His ethos can be summed-up as "After all, they're recounting their OWN experiences so how can I discount their opinions even if I don't agree?" I suppose this has some truth but I found it very frustrating. His approach doesn't help readers gain insight into their behaviors nor does it provide steps on how to change their marital status. (I assume they want to change their status because question 37 of his survey says that over 60% of the men want to get married someday.) All these first person accounts don't help the reader at all. Unfortunately, this is the kind of book that results when an amateur psychologist takes the reins - far too much anecdote and not nearly enough insight, analysis or therapy. What this book needs is a professional counselor to organize and categorize all the different observations and different bachelor types, provide context and explain what's holding various men back from being married. Such a book has already been written - "Bachelors: The Psychology of Men Who Haven't Married" by Charles A. Waehler (Praeger Publishers, ISBN 0275956687). I strongly recommend that work over the current book. Weisman has specifically said in his intro he did not want to write a book from this more clinical perspective but that's what the subject really requires. The current book is subtitled "10 Insights Into Why He Hasn't Wed" but I can't find them. The book only has 9 chapters and the chapter entitled " So Why Have You Never Been Married?", the most useful chapter of the entire book, only has 8 sections. So where are these 10 insights located? I give it 2.5 stars rounded to 3. Readers should also look at the National Marriage Project website (marriage.rutgers.edu) at Rutgers University who produce an annual report entitled The State of Our Unions. All of their reports are v. good but readers should look at the 2004 report "The Marrying Kind: Which Men Marry and Why" and the 2002 report "Why Men Won't Commit". The 2004 report describes a small group of the male population who are "hardcore marriage avoiders". A landmark study of the rational reasons why men choose to not marryThe question of the title is one that most forever single persons of both sexes must hear on a regular basis, at least from people comfortable enough with them to ask it. In this book Weisman reports on the in-depth interviews he conducted with 33 men who have never been married. This group was randomly extracted from an original group of over 1,000. The results are illuminating, a common notion would be that they would either be playboys, men who want to play the field and bed as many women as possible or men who simply lack the social graces to ever be able to convince a woman to marry them. That is not the case; the men are generally very serious and psychologically normal men who have made rational decisions not to get married. Nearly all have had some form of serious relationship and approximately ten percent have at least one child. The majority has had at least one cohabitation relationship and a lot were engaged at least once. The reasons they give for not having been married are an excellent case study for the changing role of marriage in our society. With the increasing opportunities for women, the more dynamic structure of social roles and the decreased social pressure to conform, to not marry is now more a rational selection rather than a default reality. While the subjects of this study were all male, a similar one with female subjects would be just as interesting. In the past, people got married because they almost had to. Women got married because it was almost always the only way to be supported and protected against a society that offered to other means of support. Men got married because to do anything else was considered an act of extreme antisocial behavior. Now, for many people it is the rational choice and from this book you can see many different ways it can be rationalized. |
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